Neither aerodynamic nor bothered

21st Nov 1983
Dad: Bolo beta… daddy
Me: Daaddddy
Dad: Bolo beta… banana
Me: B nana
Dad: Bolo beta Boeing 737
Me: Letting out a fart and chuckling
Dad (with moist eyes): My son’s going to be a pilot!
Mom: aaarrrgghh

21st Nov 1986
Dad: I’ve an awesome gift for you
Me: boy o boy o boy…a G.I. Joe action figure?
Dad: nice try
Me: a bicycle?
Dad: no
Me: a Barbie?
Dad: no (my dad never gets sarcasm)…lemme give you a hint
Dad flapping his hands
Me (disappointed): wow a parrot.
Dad (smacking me): no dumbass a MIG-21 replica
Me: whoa!! Does it fly??
Dad: smack
Mom: aarrrggghhh

21st Nov 1991
Dad: what do you want to be when you grow up kiddo?
Me (rudely): I don’t know
Dad: don’t you like your present?
Me: I love the MIG dad. I’ve a whole squadron now.
Dad: that’s my boy (my dad never gets sarcasm)…if you continue doing well in school maybe…just maybe… you’d have a Sukhoi next year.
Me: Dad… What if I want to become a comic book seller when I grow old?
Dad: hahahaha… smack
Mom: aarrrgghhhh

Some random day in Nov 1995
Dad: Where are you going?
Me: Today’s a huge match dad. We are playing against the 11th standard!!
Dad: Why don’t you open your present before you leave for your match?
Me (in a desperate tone): da..aaaad
Dad: smack
Me: why do you smack me all the time?
Dad: coz that is what ideal fathers are supposed to do…now open your gift
I peel off the wrapper
Me: whoooooooooooaaaaaaaa!!!! 16 bit SAIGA gaming console (when the rest of the world is still drooling on the 8bit one)…love you dad…you are the best!!!
Dad: I know

I run to tell my friends about it…why doesn’t someone invent a mobile phone or something…

Mom: What was that all about? Why’d you have to spend this much?
Dad: It’s okay kali…boys his age OUGHT to have fun
Mom: hmmm
Dad: Moreover I’ve heard that these video games sharpen your reflexes…something that’ll come in handy for the P.A.B.T
Mom: aaarrrrgggghhhh

Apr 2k
Me: Dad!!!! Cleared the UPSC written examination!!!!
Dad (concealing his delight): I’d have felt better if you’d gotten through engineering or something.
Me: NO dad…I’ve decided. I want to become a pilot.
Dad: Theek hai. Who am I to stop you from being what you want to be.
Mom: arrrggghhhh
And I used to think of my dad as the one who didn’t get sarcasm

Nov 2000
Brigadier: So dude… why do you want to join the forces?
Me: To become a pilot
Brigadier: But you wear specs… I don’t think you’d clear the medicals
Me: I plan to get a Lasik done if I get the temporary rejection
Brigadier: That’d qualify for a permanent rejection. Moreover, we don’t encourage aspirants who’ve gotten that surgery done. Is there any other reason why you want to join the armed forces?
Me: I want to serve my country (dramebaaz)
Brigadier: hahahaha… so you are saying that you’d want to join the armed forces even if you don’t get to be a pilot…to serve your nation?
Me: Yes…no…ah… maybe? (I can sense the trap)
Brigadier: you know a sweeper serves the nation too!!
Me: but I don’t know how to apply for it
Brigadier: ha ha ha ha ha….go home son… I’m doing you a favor; take some time off to figure things out. Then, if you still want to join the armed forces you can always come back.

That… was a great piece of advice. I didn’t take it…attended 3 more SSBs just for the
heck of it…to see if there’s a crack in the system I could exploit…I’m glad I didn’t find any.
So things don’t turn out the way they were destined to. I go on to complete my
engineering much to my dad’s “delight”.
Dad…He made his peace the day I flew from Bangalore to Bhubaneswar (my first airborne experience), to see them.
As for “my” flying dream…lemme tell you this…I’ve decided to let go of the quotes…and have found this easy way out…
http://www.indusav.com/india/new%20ifa.htm

The MCP

Statutory warning- the plot is stupid, the characters fictitious, and the author idiosyncratic (read dumb). You’d be better off reading about syphilis in Wikipedia.

16th May, 2009

“Tell me that you love me”

It’s actually the irony that enthralls me in such conversations. Even with the excuse of a rhetorical question, it’s not as if it were asked from the other side of the bed I was lying in…not even close…picture the Sunday bazaar…commercial street to be precise.

“I’d love to…make love to you” I try to act cute…or funny… or plain stupid…can never figure that part out until she has reacted.

“Shut up” She kinda punches me or something…

“Don’t act smart” smart it is then!

“You men sure know how to ruin a moment” and she’s leaning on me again

“Dude!!! We are in Commercial Street… in the middle of the day… on a Saturday afternoon, with me carrying all these bag thingys… when I should have been home with my friends, watching IPL” I guess the heat has gotten to me… what if my “random” outburst was not totally unwarranted…I think to myself as I prepare to bear the full brunt of the female fury.

“FIRST OF ALL…I am not a dude”…and I’m dead meat

“SECONDLY, I never asked you to carry those bags for me”…as if I could have had it any other way.

“IT was YOU who offered to come along”… to buy a PlayStation for her cousin, and not go grocery shopping for her entire family

“and FINALLY I remember you saying that those KITE RUNNERS”…”knight riders”

“DON’T interrupt me when I am speaking”

“That they were horrible this season and that you couldn’t watch Ganguly’s plight”

“You know you look sooooooo cute when you are all red like this…” I put on my silly smile.

“Shut up, I’ll never go shopping with you again”

“Awesome!!!” wait… did I say that out loud?

“Grrr… I’ve changed my mind…make yourself available next weekend. I need to shop for didi’s wedding”

“jee huzoor… aapka hukum sir-ankhon par” …there’s just so much fight left in a strangled rooster…AND I wanted to make sure that I didn’t miss the second match.

A few random spurts, authentic PJs, a parting kiss…and we are cool.

As I’m on my way back I can’t help but smile to myself. A perfect weekend this had been, and to add icing to the cake-Ganguly, Dominoes, Haywards!!! J

24th May, 2009

The week had been gruesome. 55 hours of slogging had made sure that the weekend was without blemishes. Yesterday was one of the moments of T20 glory. One of the two to finish last the previous season were to taste gold (and diamonds, rubies, etc) today.

She called an hour back to tell me that I was utterly useless and a lousy shopping mate; so she’d go shopping with her room mate…well she knows how thoroughly I’ve been following this series so…J

Gilchrist to face Kumble!? Nice move bro…hope Praveen kumar doesn’t get to bowl today.

A nice flighted one, pitched short And there goes his off stump!!!!!!!! Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… couldn’t be a better start for Bangalore!!!

And just when I’m about to open my first can… she calls

“Hey beautiful…you won’t believe what an awesome match this is turning out to be…” and I’m cut short with

“buhuhuhuhuhuhuhu…..hick…..hick…buhuhuhuhuhu”

“hehehe”

I guess there’s something wrong with me… or there’s something latently funny about the female wailing.

“BUHUHUHUHUHU…..hick….. BUHUHUHUHUHU” shit it’s gotten louder coz of me.

“kya hua bache? Where are you????”

“I am at…hick… my place… buhuhuhuhuhuhuhu…..hick…..hick…buhuhuhuhuhu”

Something’s seriously gone wrong…hehe

Wallet-check, phone-check, chappals-check (shoes’ll get wet), TROUSERS-double check (won’t make a mockery out of myself again…even if Brahma were waiting at my doorstep…later)

I’ve never gotten dressed this quickly.

E-City-Banshankari in 19 minutes flat- I guess it’s a new record.

I’m wholly drenched. Her room mate answers the calling bell and I rush to her room.

She’s still crying. 15mins of cajoling later I get her to speak.

“My handbag...my shopping bags…hick…the rickshaw waala took them all…hick”

“And… hick…and…my sandal’s broken…buhuhuhuhuhu….”

It’s not working. I need her roommate for a clearer picture.

“OK here’s what I think happened” Stupid ILI courses…why do I feel the need to paraphrase everything?

“You left your shopping bags and purse in the auto when you got down…you ran behind the auto when you realized this when your sandal broke…to top it all some cab guy splattered mud and gobar all over you” Sherlock homes acting funny eh…careful…I remind myself

“YES!!!” she replies indignantly

“Did you take down the auto’s number or remember the name of the driver?”

“No….buhuhuhuhuhuhu”

“Ok, no worries get dressed…and don’t forget your raincoat” she has sensed the urgency in my tone and has done just that.

Banaskankari 2nd Stage Police Station

I check my wallet for cash…1100 change…will do.

Just as we walk in-

”AUTO WAALE BHAIYA” she shout’s in disbelief.

He acknowledges.

They have this animated conversation going as I check her belongings.

“Thanks a lot boss” I hand him a Gandhi as I cut their conversation short.

“No problem” he sez in style, all smiles as he bids adieu.

It has stopped raining. She has been quiet all this while.

“You missed the finals for me” she bemoans

“Are you kidding me? For you… a thousand times over” and the kite runner grin

“Shut up…” “you are so totally in love with me, aren’t you”

“You already know this by now laddu…”

“What???????”

“…that I’d love to make love to you”

“kya!!!!!!!!!@#$%#”

“aur ye laddu kya hai...are you sayin’ I’m fat....blah blah blah”

And b.t.w. Bangalore lost the finals… won’t even bother with the re-telecast.

p.s. and there you go…back to the syphilis article

Carry on ACP...

I watch as the cigarette butt slithers down the commode and with it my last pang of conscience...But don't get me wrong... my guilt never stays with me for long...I’ll run over a puppy on the highway and go...oopsie!! (I don't think chicks dig my blogs...but in case you do…I was just kidding...I love puppies!!! :D)

You might then wonder if my conscience is skewed...

I assure you it's not...and here's why…

For as long as I can remember, my dad's been with the Indian Railways. It is on trains that I’ve had my soundest sleeps, my encounters with the most intimidating
books(and people), my moments of true revelations( I didn't know there was another sex different from the regular dad and mom variety before I boarded my first train!! ) and the most daring standoffs(more about this later). In simple words, I love what the Great Indian Railways stands for and for every ounce of it. So when someone claims to be stronger than a locomotive... I say... take your big red S back to Krypton.

Hence the affection and hence this day....

A1 21...the chart doesn't look promising...I board the train to find the expected... an old guy in front ... a college geek in the seat next to mine… Well, there's one seat still empty...I remember reading the chart in a jiffy...”could be a chick”...or I simply console myself. I open outlook(no it's a book…you GEEK!!) and simultaneously wonder for the nth time as to why I bought it...maybe coz it’s cheap.

"So you are going to Delhi"

It’s not a question… I tell myself… so I need not answer

"Yes... and you?"

"Meerut" he sez

"Hi I’m ACP Rathod" (he was rather ACP Mutthuswami or something...but Rathod sounds catchy...hence the replacement). Now this was something unusual so I keep the conversation going...

"Hi I’m Joshua" (Srinivas doesn't sound cool either!)

"I’ve never met an ACP in person..." (Yeah...I know...dumb thing to say...but I’m a software engineer...need I explain more?)

"Hahaha...so maybe I’ll disappoint you when I say that I’m with the Indian Railways, RPF... and not your conventional types"

Are you kidding me? I’m all the more impressed!!...and so we start chit chatting about all the stupid topics you can come across... politics, defense, role of women in policing (my favorite :D), etc... And as we talk, I am at awe at all the attention showered upon this guy by the train caretakers.

The college geek is rather wise and has kept his mouth shut all this while. He’s made 3 trips to the toilet in the last 2 hours...

"Are you ok?" I knew that sooner or later ACP Rathod would pull this guy into our meaningless conversation too...

"Yeah I’m fine" he's a li'l surprised but not a first time traveler either.

"I don't like the AC too much..." and with this he reminds me of the countless such excuses I’ve made to have a quick smoke in the toilet.

"b.t.w, I’m Chunni Lal" (I’m already thinking 'bout the fag I should've had an hour ago...do you think I’d care to remember his name?) he introduces himself.

After some uncomfortable small talk, I manage to excuse myself to the toilet...

10 minutes and 2 cigarettes later I’m back pretending nothing ever happened... with that satisfied expression on my face you usually have when you are out of the loo after a long wait. Nobody could guess- was my first thought...but I overlooked the fact that Rathod's first few years of service were with a Labrador trying to smell stuff normal people couldn't. He's smiling at me...not the usual smile...I feel it like a stab...like he's sayin'- I know what you've been doin'...and that's the stuff I hate about travelers.

An hour later, another trip to the toilet, another look into those crucifying eyes...

What the...!!! I can't take this anymore!!

It is this rarest of rare occasion that’s made me decide that I wouldn't smoke for the rest of this journey and be the good Samaritan my parents thought I was destined to
be...

2 hours later...
It’s around 12...I guess neither of us is used to sleeping early.
All of a sudden I can see this rather mischievous glint in his eyes...It’s as if ACP Rathod is measuring me up...In a quick trained movement, his hand dives into his
travel bag and pop comes out...what the!!!... Do I see a 12 year old Johnny Walker Black Label!!! YES!!! I almost scream in a manner of...you know what. For a government servant, he sure has eclectic tastes...well don't get me wrong... he has better tastes than most people I know... govt. servants or otherwise.

"Would you like to have one?" he's smiling

"a...no...I mean YEAH sure!!" he let's out a big laughter as he hands me the glass.

As I indulge myself, I can't help but feel something pricking me on the inside... It is when we finish our drinks and he asks me for a cig, that I realize that it was one of the crushed fragments of my conscience...and NOW, I can feel myself beaming...

I hand him a cigarette and we both make a quick dash for the toilet...

The one with chicks

On our way to kabini river lodge…me and this other dude (lets just call him loser2 for the sake of convenience)…on a TVS scooty!
For the ignorant-
Kabini River Lodge-
To the common man- hunting lodge of the erstwhile maharaja of Mysore/
Elephant country/ white water paradise
To me- Gold Flake Kings@ Rs.40 per pack
Haywards 5000@ Rs. 65 per bottle
TVS scooty-
To the common man- 59cc/ 2-stroke/ 3.5 HP machine
To me- Loser2’s bike
Before you start wondering what the two of us were doin’…lemme tell you that there were 3 chicks waiting for us at our destination…3 chicks and a pack of hungry wolves- geeks too have an appetite you know! So here we were stuck with each other, having missed our corporate bus, for the better half of the 300kms. We’ve been doin’ our top speed (55kmph) for the last two and a half hours…

It’s country side…already getting dark…lots of trees…horrible road…bad tasting bugs

Do I see a campfire off the road some distance ahead? Loser2 sees it too.
We decide to make our first pit stop expecting a drink or two.
“shit man!! HOT chicks!!!” I literally have to punch through his open mouth to calm him down. I’ve already appraised the situation. Two chicks…among the hottest I’ve ever seen…a banged up maruti…one fat mom…a missing dad…probably lookin’ for help in a nearby town.
“We just have to play our cards right dude. Try to look sincere for a change and we might manage to get their phone numbers if we are lucky.” Loser2 agrees…he already has a sincere look…I wonder if my tongue’s hangin’ out…doesn’t feel like it though…coz my mouth’s runnin’ dry.
“can we be of any help auntyjee?” Loser2 is the first to speak.
“we had an accident beta.” “my husband was tryin’ to avoid hitting a stray dog when we hit a tree. Thankfully no one’s injured.”
I don’t get it…she’s more congenial than I thought she’d be…maybe it’s her helplessness doin’ the talking. Anyway she’s talking… and that’s good!!!
“you two seem decent boys”
“can we do anything to help auntyjee?” I blurt out knowing she’s gonna ask for it anyway.
“we are mechanical engineers. We could maybe try to fix up the car”
“thanks a lot beta, but I’m worried ‘bout your uncle too. He’s gone a long time.”
“I could stay here and try to fix the car while you could go with my friend to look for uncle.” I can almost hear Loser2 cursing.
“would you do that??? You both are God sent!!!”
I can’t believe she bought it!!! They leave…the 3 of them…Loser2, Tanya and her mom sitting in that order in his scooty. I wonder if auntyjee doubted Loser2’s intentions. Loser2 doesn’t mind overloading his scooty though…he seems rather delighted. Can’t care less…the hotter one is all for me!!!

It’s country side…already getting dark…soothing breeze…clear sky…just the two of us…

“you are kinda cute…” kashish is speaking now.
I gulp down all my pickup lines. Try to put a cool smile. Hot and Bold…that’s my type then…I guess. We make small talk. Small and pleasant.
I can’t find the engine…why did I have to boast ‘bout my degree? Do something. I start humming a tune…she seems to like it.
“we composed this song a few years back”
“you have a band???”
“yeah I do.” She looks impressed.
“you know this has always been my fantasy…to be stuck in the middle of a forest with a beautiful girl…just that…”
“just that what???”
“just that I never imagined I’d be stuck with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
She’s blushing big time.
“what happens next?...In your fantasy?”
"I ask for her phone number"- didn’t sound good in my mind
“I kiss her as if I were kissing a Goddess” I said
Silence
Maybe I crossed the line.
“then why don’t you?”
We are making out…am I dreaming?...no…I can still feel mosquito bites.
I can’t place the magic in this moment…the absence of any strings…the vulnerability we both feel or Loser2…
Loser2!!! Shit!!! he’s coming back. He has come to take Kashish with him. No mechanics. Her parents are gonna put up in the town for the night.
Loser2…bastad…a-hole…he has guessed…he can almost hear me mumble f.u. I know he’s helpless.
3 hours…loser2 has come back walking…sez Tanya’s father borrowed his bike to get dinner…gone a long time…went out looking…couldn’t find him anywhere…comes back only to find auntyjee and her gorgeous daughters gone. The damn car has no engine…I feel sorry for his bike…actually I don’t…don’t give a damn…the only thing I regret about this whole trip is…are… these bloody mosquitoes…fuk them man…buzzing around my ears……
I am rubbing my eyes as I try to make sense of things…stupid allout…goddamn alarm… has been ringing for a long time I guess. Loser1 needs to suit up…hectic work day ahead…..
Can’t stop thinking ‘bout that dream though. Weekend’s just 4 days ahead. I’m actually considering a trip to kabini river lodge…any Loser2s interested?

the first goes to beer

Rs 11000... and we smell rebellion!!
“BEER ON THE HOUSE”
….is what I wish someone yelled when we are in the pubs hangin’ out. But NO… all these rich bastads are either only in movies, or in obscure pubs I don’t know about.
We do have our moments though- few, but quantifiable, predictable and glorious…
Birthdays- general junta call them…we do too.
I believe that friends are like cattle in some respect- it’s like you rear a cow for a whole year and then milk it dry in a single day. But this one time this cow…chomu we named him…out of some misplaced survival instinct(we are not butchers man!!!) decided that it was enough and about time it stood up for itself…or rather it’s wallet.
Pink slips are painful, but birthday bills are like worm holes…like a million worms just ate your inside leaving gaping holes.
The bill lay on the table
“I am payin’ only half of it” …we heard our cow mow.
“don’t you have it??
silence
“chill dude….our constitution says that we are a socialist nation”
“pay for it now… and we’ll share it later”
our cow is happy

I haven’t paid him since…
An year’s a long time and I believe cows have limited memory….or so I assume.
Today is our cow’s next birthday